Title: Hot Robot Hand
Author: jedishampoo
Pairing: Obi-Wan/Anakin
Rating: PG-13 at most
Warnings: Extreme silliness.
Challenge: Fuh-Q-Fest Challenge. 60. Inappropriate Songfic. Song: Mr. Roboto.
Summary: Bad song, silly fic. Parodyish of ROTS novelization. If you haven't read that, you may be thinking wtf? A little of "Clone Wars Adventures" also.
Author’s Notes: I apologize in advance. Song and lyrics by Styx. Characters owned by George Lucas. I’ve done the bad songfic before in 1999 (Naboo Who?) and felt like revisiting it. I’ve also done the tabloid thing before (Paper Trail, on TFN).


Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto
Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto
Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto

You're wondering who I am (secret secret - I've got a secret)
Machine or mannequin (secret secret - I've got a secret)
With parts made by the Banking Clan (secret secret - I've got a secret)
I am the Modren Man.

I've got a secret I've been hiding under my skin
My heart is human, my blood is boiling, my brain Anakin
So if you see me acting strangely don't be surprised
I'm just a man who needed someone and somewhere to hide
To keep me alive - just keep me alive
Somewhere to hide to keep me alive.


***

Dead. Dead. Dead.

This is how it feels to be Anakin Skywalker these days. Genetically, Anakin Skywalker is still sort of alive. Metaphorically, however, the so-called good part that was Anakin Skywalker was killed by the Sith Lord Darth Vader when Anakin Skywalker crossed to the Dark Side and killed Mace Windu... well, through a dirty metaphorical equation, he became Darth Vader.

It’s not all that fun to be Darth Vader. The electronic legs and arms don’t work as well as the flesh ones did. There is no touch, no love. The dragon coiled around his furnace heart, which he borrowed from the Tatooine suns when he was a child and never returned, is pretty quiet these days, but it’s always there, waiting for the day when he will rise up and destroy his Master.

There are some pluses. Vader spends all his time on nice, clean ships and space stations which are full of minions but where there is no sand.

Unfortunately there’s no nice stuff either, like rain or verdant plant life as green as the skin of a Splurgian green-skinned Woklak. Not that he could see it anyway, with this darn mask on. All he can see as he stands at the viewport this day is a grayish ball floating in ebony space. The minions and their navigational readouts tell him that the planet is Ortega.

His Master has told him that this day they will show the Ortegans what it means to defy the Empire.

He has been here before. Before the Dark Side. Before Vader. Back when the legends were real people, and all the tabloids sang of their exploits.

This is how it feels to be Anakin Skywalker right now, at this very moment.

***

I'm not a robot without emotions - I'm not what you see
I've come to help you with your problems so we can be free.
I'm not a Hero, I'm not a Saviour
forget what you know
I'm just a man whose circumstances went beyond his control
Beyond my control - we all need control.
I need control - we all need control.

I am the Modren Man – secret secret - I've got a secret
Who hides behind a mask – secret secret - I've got a secret
So no one else can see – secret secret - I've got a secret
My true identity.

________________________________________ ___________

SHOCKING CAPTURE: IS THE OBIKIN TEAM TO BE DIVIDED FOREVER?
Galactic Asker Exclusive!

By GLEEB SNORKUM, Coruscant.

A stunning tragedy unfolded recently on the planet Ortega, when vicious vigilantes kidnapped Obi-Wan Kenobi, 38, Jedi Knight, Galactic peacekeeper and partner of Anakin Skywalker, 22, the Hero Without Fear.

According to sources in the Jedi Temple, Kenobi was sent to Ortega to prevent the planet from leaving the Republic. Kenobi’s diplomatic and fighting skills are well-known across the galaxy but in this case, it seems that even he was not able to repel the violent and angry Ortegans.

“If I know anything about Ortegans, he’s dead already,” a source close to the conflict claims. Official Republic agencies have denied the rumors of the kidnapping, but friends tell Galactic Asker that Skywalker is already on his way to rescue the man whom some sources say is his secret lover.


________________________________________ ____________

Anakin Skywalker threw the offending Holonet datapad at the Ortegan president, hitting him in the chest. “I know you have him here. So tell me where,” he snarled.

“W-what are you talking about?” The planetary leader brushed at the spot the datapad had made on his nice, clean uniform, then fidgeted some more. He glanced behind Skywalker at the pieces of battle-droid-guard scattered on the floor near the entrance to his office. “Kenobi left. Um. Not long ago. You just missed him, in fact.”

Anakin brought his lightsaber around in a Form 345, Ginrei, Really-Ready-To-Kill-You-Stance. Ghostly blue light illuminated the frightened face of the president. “You’re lying! I can sense him through our bond!”

“So the rumors are true, then?”

“SHUT UP!” Anakin yelled. The dragon coiled about his furnace heart yowled in preternatural fury. To quiet its lust for blood, Anakin lopped off the president’s left arm.

He left the bleeding, screaming president on the floor and followed the twanging threads of his Force-bond with Obi-Wan through the twisting hallways of the presidential palace. The humans had scattered; only a few battle droids remained between him and the dungeon levels.

::Master! I’m coming for you:: he said along the strangely-omnipresent bond.

::Wha?::

Obi-Wan sounded groggy! His voice was as weak as a Perlemian Sandwastes rock-kitten! Perhaps he was near death and would need comfort! Anakin ran faster.

***

Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto
Domo - Domo
Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto
Domo - Domo

Thank you very much, Mr. Roboto
for doing the jobs that nobody wants to
And thank you very much, Mr. Roboto
for helping me escape
Just when I needed to. Thank you. Thank you thank you.
I want to thank you. Please, thank you.

***

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

This is how it feels to be Obi-Wan Kenobi right now.

The Force is a sunlit meadow and you are The Negotiator. You are a hero. Though you’ve put a damn lot of work into being heroic and you’re quite good-looking, you still can’t figure out why people like you so much.

Not everyone likes you, though. Yesterday there was an earthquake in your sunlit meadow and the enemy had some sort of Force-inhibiting-cuffs handy. They also had stun-guns, and they got off a nice shot with one of them.

So right now you are taking a lovely nap. Unfortunately, some fool with a lightsaber is tearing up your jail cell and making a lot of noise doing it.

“Obi-Wan!”

The voice sounded like Anakin. “Wha?” Obi-Wan said, trying to sit up.

“Please, wake up! Don’t be dead! I can’t live without you!” Anakin had Obi-Wan by the shoulders and was shaking hard enough to rattle his teeth. Obi-Wan slapped his palms at Anakin’s arms.

“I’m awake! I’m fine!”

The shaking stopped. Anakin stared at him with midnight-blue eyes, as concerned as a new mother Tarellian forest-snipe who was very concerned. “Are you sure? Where did they hurt you?”

“It was just a stun-blast to your old Master’s rock-hard head,” Obi-Wan said, pointing out the spot where it sort of hurt.

Anakin leaned forward and in a shocking move, placed his nice, big, full lips gently on Obi-Wan’s forehead. “Is this better?” he whispered.

Actually, it was. But Obi-Wan didn’t intend to say so. After all, the Jedi code, all that no passion stuff, yadda yadda. No, Anakin, I’m really OK, let’s get out of here, he fully intended to say. What came out of his mouth was, “It hurts here, too.” He was astonished to see himself pointing at his chin.

“That’s out of character for you, but at the moment I think it’s pretty damn wizard,” Anakin said, and kissed Obi-Wan’s chin.

“And here. And here. And here.”

There followed lots of kisses, all of them very nice, and some mumbles about how each of them had always secretly wanted this.

“Touch it with the robot hand,” Obi-Wan said at one point.

“It’s NOT a robot hand!” Anakin yelled, sounding hurt. “It’s cybernetic!”

“Sorry. Cybernetic hand.”

Hot robot hand, Obi-Wan thought still, but didn’t say aloud. He didn’t want to break the mood.

They were interrupted by the arrival of the Holonet paparazzi. They’d been called by the president of Ortega, who’d made quite a tidy profit from the scoop.

The Jedi Council didn’t laugh when they saw the pictures. Obi-Wan and Anakin did laugh, however, once they’d overcome their initial embarrassment and made their explanations to that Senator chick-- uh, what was her name? And all were happy.

***

The problem's plain to see: Too much technology
Machines to save our lives
machines de-humanize.

***

But even stars die. They run out of hydrogen fuel, reach the limits of nuclear fusion, and eventually swell into angry red giants. Sort of like Vader did when Padme brought Obi-Wan to Mustafar and Obi-Wan tried to kill his ass, leaving him burning on the banks of a sluggish red river.

Vader stared out the viewport at Ortega, and remembered. Only in his memories could he be Anakin.

***

The time has come at last – secret secret - I've got a secret
To throw away this mask – secret secret - I've got a secret
Now everyone can see – secret secret - I've got a secret
My true identity.


END. I apologize again. Feel free to tell me what you thought, please! In bad taste? Honestly, I can sooo take it. :)